You don't mind me calling you that do you? You always seems such an affable kind of bloke so sure it will be OK.
Now I know you have just won an election and are having fun with your new cabinet, and I am sorry to bother you when you are busy with all those nasty cuts, repealing the Human Rights Act and yanking us out of Europe (with you on that one by the way...) but I would be really really grateful if you could spare a few minutes to read this letter.
As I said I know you have just won an election and you are not looking too far ahead, but I wonder if I might draw your attention to somebody who would make a wonderful Conservative MP (I gather he has already flirted with this idea but decided against it as he has a higher calling, ie Director, comma, Cricket) but some of us think he may not be in this job very long. (Actually we are rather hoping he will not be in it for longer than a week but we have to be pragmatic about these things). I digress.
The name of this outstanding candidate is Andrew Strauss. He is adept at toeing the Party Line (tick box); speaks in platitudes (tick box); will always do what you tell him to do and vote how you tell him to vote (tick two boxes) and, in short, is a perfect fit for the Tory Party. He does have a slight problem with TRUST but if he becomes an MP this won't be an issue as nobody trusts each other anyway.
But much as I admire Mr Strauss as a future MP, I will admit there is a problem in that he will want to bring his friend, Cook, with him. Now Cook gets terribly upset if people are nasty to him and cannot handle criticism but I am sure he will manage to deal with it as he is a man possessed of Inner Steel (we know this because he has told us so). Plus, and I will admit to a bit of a simper here, he is SO handsome and good looking in that square jawed English way and when he strides out to the crease in his whites well, what Can I say? (Getting all wobbly here!) He scrubs up nicely and will look stunning on all the election literature and on the hustings will draw crowds who will bask in his utter gorgeousness.
Note: Only drawback is that you have to make sure he never opens his mouth and speaks. If he does you will be in trouble.
I know you have no vacancies at the moment, but just in case you have to have a by election now and then when an MP or two leaves to Spend Time with their Family, I would be so grateful if you consider Straussy and Cooky, as they are known (SO sweet and whimsical, bless) for any vacancies that may arise.
Thank you Dear Dave for your kind attention to this little screed of mine and I remain
One who is Outside Cricket