I live in a flat built in the mid 80s. This was before the days of double glazing and I have single glazed windows. They are useless. They are cold. They let the draughts in and they collect pools of condensation. I mop, I wipe, I have towels on the window sills but there are times when the water drips onto the carpet, admittedly not the finest Wilton in the land, and now that is looking ghastly and tatty.
So I decided enough was enough and money that I would much rather spend on music, books, theatre, travel and chocolates has to be sacrificed to the greater good of keeping me nice and warm and helping to cut my electricity bills. I decided I was going to replace my windows - all six of them and one of them a very large bay window which lets light in and is lovely but is HUGE and the worst focal point for condensation.
Off I go to find A Man to do The Windows and when I say it is Raining Men I mean it. I have had Mick, Ian, John, Steve, Trev and Gary all tramping their way into my flat. I have brewed pots of tea, supplied biscuits and had to buy a bag of sugar for them as they all seemed to take three spoonfuls in each cup, all while they vied for my attention. I have never been wooed so much in all my life, not even in my salad days when I was green with youth. It is sad to think they were all turning on the charm for one thing only. My money.
'sigh'
The man from Everest double glazing was a joke. When he arrived the phone rang and there was another Man on the line also wanting to come round and persuade me to buy his Windows. When I told him I had the Man from Everest here (sounds like Sherpa Tensing does it not?) he said 'you'd better watch it, they stay for hours and you will never get rid of him'. When I went through to speak to Mick of Everest he said to me 'you had better be careful who you let in the house you know. Some of these blokes are cowboys and you will never get rid of them'. 'Odd that' says I 'he just said the same thing about you'....
I ejected him after a while as he came up with the most ludicrously expensive figure to replace the windows, then offered me all sorts of percentages off, then said he would ring his manager to see if he could get me a better deal as 'you are such a nice woman'. I sat back and decided to let him carry on with this farce, better than going to the theatre, and of course I could have a better deal but I had to sign on the dot that day. I let him rabbit on and then asked him 'Do I really look that stupid?'.
He left. All the brochures and literature he gave me were chucked into the bin and I awaited the next in line.
This went on for a week and I tell you I now know all I need to know, or in fact, what I do not need to know, about Argon gas, internal beading, security locks, night opening, air vents, lining, drilling, bolting, 'A' standard glass, Pilkington glass, clear glass, extra tough glass, blah blah blah. I am thinking of going on Mastermind with double glazing as my specialised subject.
In the end after viewing all the products, looking at all the samples, checking the estimates I decided on the Man. A local firm with lots of experience and recommended by friends. So we closed on the deal and I asked when he could come and do the windows and he told me that he could not do it till March as he was off to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. As you do...
I am not making this up I promise you. He is an ex-para and he and half a dozen of his old Army mates are climbing Mount K and are raising money for the Heroes charity for men wounded in Afghanistan or wherever they happen to be at the moment. He said they have had the most amazing response. Well good for them said I and I am happy to wait till March.
Then a thought struck me. 'What happens if you fall off Mount Kilimanjaro? Who will put my replacement windows in then?' 'Don't worry Madam, I have it sorted. I will leave instructions for one of my men to make sure that you get your replacement windows no matter what happens'
I think I am in love.....
