I read a lot of magazines, mainly to do with the house and home and decorating etc. I also get sent a lot of catalogues and I have noticed over the last few years the repetitious use of What I Call ponce speak.
The other day I received a catalogue from The White Company. Now I love this firm and buy from them, when I can afford it, and my lovely Helen knowing how much I love their stuff, usually gives me a voucher for Christmas so I can have a wallow. OK well and fine but use of certain pretentious terms is now standard. I have been informed of the latest collection Curated by Chrissie (she is the founder of the company). Now what the hell does Curated mean? If it means that she has gone through all the offerings and has SELECTED and has made a CHOICE to bring to our attention, why don't they just say so? Curators are people in galleries and museums who take care of the exhibits.
But the next step is even better. After I note that Chrissie has curated a choice I am then invited to Shop the Edit. I mean Shop the Edit? FFS. Of course I realise saying Chrissie has chosen these items which we think you might like and why don't you take a look at them is not snappy, but Shop the Edit. I ask you.
And it does not stop there. Everybody is going in for these meaningless lines. Sky ask you to Believe in Better. Believe in Better WHAT? Service? TV?
BUPA - Helping you find healthy. Healthy WHAT?
I have recently seen a poster about Cancer Research stating We will beat Cancer Sooner. Sooner than what?
Expedia, the travel company, have a series of TV ads at the moment that are quite sick making. We see all sorts of supposedly wacky things you can see or do if you travel abroad, pigs swimming in circles, dachshunds trotting along the boardwalk at Barcelona Beach, Ostriches playing polo none of which I have an interest in. There is an unctuous voice over telling us we an do all these marvelous things and then, wait for it, the punch line:
Travel yourself Interesting.
For gawd's sake what does that mean? It is not a sentence, it is not grammatical, it is crap.
And don't start me on these council white vans that drive around telling us all Working for a better environment, Caring for you, Making you Safe at night, blah blah. What they really should have is a strap line saying Driving around with a Meaningless Slogan Painted on the Side.
And now we turn to magazines such as Home and Antiques, Ideal Home etc etc and the jargon they use. I once wasted about fifteen minutes going through one of these publications circling in red the number of times the word Vintage was used. I came up with 35.
We all know that estate agents have their own euphemisms for property: renovation project means it is falling down, rural setting means in the middle of a bog miles from anywhere etc etc but magazines have their own list. Based on my extensive reading of such mags here are my thoughts:
- Eclectic - jumbled mess of wallpaper, curtains, cushions and wallpaper totally mismatched
- Shabby chic - shabby
- Rustic - battered old furniture
- Distressed - battered old furniture but done deliberately
- Retro - awful stuff from the 60s and 70s which is orange and vile
- Vintage - see retro
- Antiquing - Pottering about second hand shops
- Vintiquing - Pottering about second hand shops
- Industrial chic - bare brick walls, metal surfaces etc
- Shabby industrial chic - battered old metal filing cabinets
Please also note that every single house featured in these magazines is painted in Farrow & Ball. No bog standard Dulux, which in my opinion knocks F&B into a cocked hat, because Dulux, or B&Q emulsion is too frightfully common.
Wall tiles are from Fired Earth and cost about £100 per tile. Once again forget B&Q and Wickes.
And I love these people who say they have budgeted so carefully by mixing 'high street buys' with their expensive baths and showers so that they can afford £400 for a pair of taps.
And I love those people who 'source' things. They don't go out shopping or looking, they 'source'.
And I love those people who say 'Oh yes that old Victorian chaise longue was picked up on Ebay for £10'
And I love those people who say 'oh picked that antique chair up in a broccante in France and my dear we drove it all the way home in the back of the Volvo'. Vomit inducing.
I went through my flat this morning checking on things and writing an article on how I furnished and decorated it and this is what I came up with.
'The flat was rather unloved when I moved in so first thing I did was to paint it all white and then lived with it for a while so that I could see how the apartment spoke to me and what I needed to do. The kitchen was tatty with old lino on the floor and brown tiles so I ripped up the old flooring and covered it with floor tiles I sourced from Homebase. I then painted the tiles with a wonderful little tile paint I discovered at B&Q and then painted the kitchen cupboards. I added en eclectic mix of mugs and china which I picked up in a gorgeous little shop In Amalfi and managed to smuggle aboard the plane as hand luggage." and so on and so on
I could also say that my sofa in the living room has a Vintage crocheted throw on it which I found lurking in a charity shop but the truth is that I have had it for years and, personally, still think are pretty awful but they are VINTAGE so out they come.
Anyway you get my drift.
I am now off to put my brightly spotted kettle on to make a cup of Fairtrade coffee sourced from my local Waitrose, and will probably eat a rustic hand baked cookie to keep me going until lunch. I have already had a free range egg with wholemeal toast for breakfast but I have every intention of saying Sod it later on and having a Kit Kat...
Au reservoir
