You will probably remember my recent rant about magazines and how their banging on about empowering women etc irritated me beyond measure. If you do not and wish to read it, then the link is here.
I had a huge response both on and off blog about this posting. I have more or less given up on magazines now but last week I bought a Christmassy edition of a glossy just for a treat and to see what was being discussed. (Usually these mags say How to have the Best Christmas EVER, but as I had the best Christmas EVER last year according to them, not sure how I can top it).
No matter.
This one is of Vital Import. It is a Guide to a Sustainable Christmas. Over 90 guilt free (or in this case gilt free) festive ideas.
I started to bristle before I even opened it. I noted the sub-title “from your decorations to the dinner table, how to have a celebration that packs a stylish punch without stressing the planet”
OK I am off. FFS. How about ideas about how not to stress yourself? The last thing on my mind when I am peeling the sprouts or stuffing the turkey is the planet. The ice cap can melt and the polar bears can become extinct as far as I am concerned when I am dealing with Christmas Lunch.
“Antiques are regarded as the most sustainable way to furnish your home” it seems that whether you have a Georgian chest of drawers or a Victorian dinner service, these pieces tick all the boxes when it comes to longevity, style and a LOW CARBON FOOTPRINT (my capital letters). I have to say that when I make a cup of coffee in my Coronation Mug dated 1953 the words carbon footprint have never crossed my mind.
Gifts – try to use independent shops in your area (in the sea of the High Street if you can find one that is not M&S, Debenhams, Matalan etc then good luck to you)
Wrapping gifts – plain brown paper is recyclable (a lot of the foil stuff is not it seems. We are told this with explanation marks!!!!!!!) you can glam it up by using stamps, twine or trimmings.
Home made presents – these are thoughtful and are GREEN. (Don’t make them too far in advance else the only green will be mould)
Make sure all presents are posted in good time. Well, YES.
After this you can relax as there will be no last minute department store dashes. There that makes you feel better doesn’t it?
Now you are so relaxed that come Christmas Eve you have plenty of time on your hands and so if you are not tearing your hair out and screaming because your husband/wife has forgotten the sweet sherry which is the only thing Gran will drink, and you have made 100 mince pies (whole meal pastry natch) and the cat hasn’t brought down the tree, then guess what you can do? You never will. I know you won’t so I am going to tell you.
Why not organize a family craft evening?
Yes a craft evening.
Children will love making popcorn garlands or pomander for the tree!!!!!
They will they will they will. Trust me.
Now if you have not bought your presents and are currently gnashing your teeth in frustration and panic may I offer you some suggestions? “Learn the skills to give an extra-special environmentally friendly gift this year” I presume you need to start learning these skills at least six months before hand.
So we are given details of workshops for candle making, wreath making (no not funeral ones), bread and baking, ceramic decorations, willow animals (Oh I lurve the idea of making willow animals. So useful) hand iced biscuits and Christmas lettering.
Decorations – make your own wreath. You need to get foraging folks and we are told that our back garden is a brilliant source of evergreen leaves (though what you do if you live in a flat I do not know) Yeh right. But don’t bring the greenery in too early else it will dry out. Why not save it up to do on Christmas Eve? You know that family craft evening I mentioned earlier. You can do it at the same time.
If you have been sent “loads of gorgeous cards” then hang them on the wall using bio-degradable twine. Once that is done you can have a go at making some paper chains or snowflakes from your stash of scrap paper and materials.
What stash?
And we are back to the Night Before Christmas again. “For a relaxed evening with the family why not make edible decorations for the big day? Garlands of popcorn and dried fruit for the tree, gingerbread baubles or posies of herbs (which you have foraged for in the back garden no doubt) are all kind to the planet”
All that is left to do is to sit back and “marvel at what you have achieved”
I mean who writes this total and utter bollocks? WHO WHO WHO? Have they any idea what real life is like. Quite frankly by the time Christmas Eve has arrived the last thing you want to do it make edible decorations with your children. If they are small all you want is to get the little sods into bed and asleep so you can creep in later and put the stockings at the end of their beds. If they are older they will be too busy on their Playstations or their ipads to be interested in stringing together dried figs or other crap.
But we are not finished yet. Oh NO. Now you need to take some time to yourself. HAH! Have a bath, a slug of gin, raid the peanuts? That would be too common. No this magazine’s idea of time to yourself on Christmas Eve is to set the table for Christmas Dinner.
IRON the tablecloth (I do apologise for the shouting)
IRON the tablecloth gawd help us. We then “adorn” it with our favourite antique ceramics, glasses and cutlery. Some natural greenery and handmade place names (which presumably you have made during the family craft evening) will complete the look.
Antique drinks trolleys are a key trend….the mag says so therefore it is.
So now is the time to stock it up with glistening decanters, crystal glasses and mixers. If you don’t have a trolley (and let us face it most of us use the kitchen work surface) then why not set up a DIY drinks station on a sideboard or a window ledge? Why not indeed – just make sure it is out of reach of children’s sticky fingers.
And if you survive this Mindful Sustainable Christmas then do not forget to Recycle in the New Year. But if you have done what you are told, theoretically you should have nothing to chuck out. No paper, no decorations (you have eaten them all) and as all your presents were wrapped in vintage napkins or tea towels (no I am not joking this was suggested) then cometh the bin men you will have nothing to show them.
After reading this magazine I felt the strongest urge to go out and buy the crappiest, most plastic toys I could find, wrap them in glittery non-recyclable wrapping paper, get a plastic Christmas tree, loads of non solar fairy lights, as much Blue Tac and Sellotape as I could lay my hands on and sit down on Christmas Eve stuffing my face with chocolate and drinking gin.
Which, let’s face it, is what most of us will do.
Bah Humbug.
This holier than thou, woke, virtue signaling load of bullshit magazine is now in the bin and I will not be recycling it. So there.
